Balancing the Desire for Casual Encounters While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I start seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with other men again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men have open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear demanding, frequently resulting in significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I want another man to care for me while letting me remain sexually free, however I fear the emotional drain this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to tolerate various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift down the road; eventually you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting what you want completely … and at another point you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
